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August 2nd, 2006

of English football wives provided by Chad
and if you are a Liverpool Fan don’t forget to join Koptalk for the real liverpool fan

England’s wives

Coleen McLoughlin

Age: 19
Position: Affianced to Wayne Rooney
Status: Childhood Sweetheart
Form: Until Wayne’s injury, Coleen was the odds-on favourite to romp home with the greatest tabloid photo-goal average for the tournament. She’s already surpassed Posh not just in terms of changing outfits on a minute-by-minute basis, but because she has found herself a bona fide niche in the nation’s affections. We have witnessed her hoodie-to-Prada transformation first-hand and the details of their courtship – the time he proposed on a petrol station forecourt with a £25,000 ring, the time she threw the same ring into a squirrel sanctuary after finding out about his visits to a brothel – are the stuff of Anglo-Saxon romance. A finer demonstration of the Birchenall dictum it would be harder to find.

Melanie Slade

Age: 17
Position: Theo Walcott’s girlfriend
Status: Childhood Sweetheart
Form: None. The great thing about Melanie is that no one has yet seen her perform in front of the paparazzi, so she’s the perfect receptacle for all our hopes and dreams. Her romance with Theo developed two years ago when they began meeting outside Claire’s Accessories in the West Quay shopping centre in Southampton, where she worked part-time. Melanie performed her first photo-call wearing a Shy Di expression offset nicely by a low-cut top. And although there are signs that she could break new ground for the team by acquiring educational qualifications, her plea to be left alone to study for her A-levels rather than spending the next few weeks posing naked for FHM could jeopardise her chances of an extended tabloid love-in.

Alex Curran

Age: 23
Position: Engaged to Steven Gerrard and mother of his two children, Lilly-Ella and Lexie
Status: Will Do Anything For Publicity
Form: Mixed. There’s no doubt that Alex makes a good photo. Nor that she knows how to shop. Yet she has consistently failed to make the grade. Her sole contribution to the gaiety of the nation has been to swap boyfriends with Jennifer Ellison and to subsequently become her sworn enemy (Jen was dating Steven, Alex was dating businessman Tony Richardson, and then they switched: who stole whom off whom is still the subject of some debate and perhaps Ellison’s autobiography, for which she has reportedly received a £500,000 advance). Generally perceived as a waste of space, but could turn things around with a well chosen/slaggy outfit.

Cheryl Tweedy

Age: 22
Position: Girlfriend of Ashley Cole
Status: Famous Already
Form: Promising, at least inasmuch as if any member of the England squad might grab the headlines by doing a Tanya Turner from Footballers’ Wives and decking another wife, it would have to be the Girls Aloud singer. In 2003 she was found guilty of assault, but cleared of racially aggravated assault, after what was described as ‘an altercation with a nightclub toilet attendant’. She helpfully pointed out that she could not be a racist because she was friends with Javine Hylton of Popstars. Beyond that, Cheryl won a Sun poll to find the celebrity whom people would most like to see topless and in 2006 the title of ‘Sexiest Footballer’s Wife’ in the FHM Bloke Awards. The fact remains, however, that despite the court case and possessing big tits, she is still very dull.

The rest of the world

Raica Oliveira

Age: 22
Position: Ronaldo’s new girlfriend
Status: Famous Already
Form: A definite contender, thanks largely to the performance of her predecessors. Whoever is going out with Ronaldo at World Cup time – and this is a huge potential group, consisting of Brazil’s entire model/TV presenter/singer population – will receive more than their fair share of the limelight. Since 1998, when Susana Werner captivated the cameramen, Ronaldo has married Milene Domingues (the Brazilian champion at keepy-uppy), with whom he fathered a son, Ronald (disappointingly, not called Ronald Ronaldo), and then Daniella Cicarelli, an MTV VJ and model, a union that lasted precisely three months. Raica – a former Victoria’s Secret model – looks set to enjoy a World Cup/relationship that is as short as it is sweet.

Anine Bing

Age: 23
Position: Girlfriend of Sweden’s Anders Svensson
Status: Will Do Anything for Publicity (particularly removing key items of clothing)
Form: A real threat. Her career has followed the classic model-presenter-girlfriend trajectory and if the tabloids can come up with a plausible excuse for printing her picture then there’s little doubt they will. She’s quite happy to wear rather fewer clothes than shown here, she was romantically ‘linked’ to Jim Carrey and a poster advertising Ellesse sportswear featuring her writhing with a man on a rain-soaked tennis court was deemed ‘inappropriate’ by Birmingham City Council and banned after it allegedly caused several traffic accidents. It’s Bing, incidentally, as in Chandler Bing, the character from Friends whose name she adopted.

Sheree Murphy

Age: 30
Position: Married to Australia’s Harry Kewell
Status: Famous Already
Form: Mixed. Having played Tricia Dingle in Emmerdale and herself in I’m a Celebrity – Get Me out of Here!, Sheree managed to impress both the British viewing public and the tabloid picture editors by fulfilling the key requirements of eating maggots and looking fetching in a swimsuit. She was regarded by some, however, as a liability after divulging that her husband has stretchmarks on his bum, wanted to leave Liverpool to play in Europe and wasn’t bothered if he watched football on the telly or not. Although older, less publicity-hungry and, notably, supporting the wrong side, Sheree’s popular support, plus the fact that she’s the only foreign wife anybody in Britain is likely to recognise, guarantees her tabloid column inches.

Simone Lambe

Age: 27
Position: Long-term partner of Michael Ballack
Status: Happy In The Background
Form: Could play to our advantage. Poor Simone. By all accounts, she’s very private, met Michael – who grew up in an eighth-floor flat in what was then East Germany – when she was working as a waitress, lives quietly with him and their three sons, and doesn’t court publicity. Publicity, however, is likely to court her. Michael is Jose Mourinho’s latest signing for Chelsea and was recently voted ‘the most handsome footballer in Germany’. And Simone has a very particular style all of her own: the tight girdle, bosomy peasant blouse and dirndl skirt as seen here is not a one-off but the Ballack signature look. The World Cup is likely to be her initiation-by-tabloid-hellfire into the ways we Brits do things.

Original story http://observer.guardian.co.uk/osm/story/0,,1786728,00.html

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